Feeling a little lonely.
For starters, it’s been a month since my last “grandpa” died. Ninety-three years well lived. He was hoping to make one more milestone anniversary with his wife. I always dreamed he and his wife would sit at the best table at my wedding reception.
Of most concern right now: it’s been three weeks since I’ve spoken to one of my closest friends and neighbor of fifteen years – who also happens to be my adopted gramma. It’s probably at least a month since I’ve hugged her. Now, I don’t even know if she’s alive, or where she is.
Since I am not blood, I have no legal right to see her; and her blood family is extremely protective of their privacy. I was advised when I finally made contact with one of them when she went missing she was visiting them. They live about five minutes away. It’s been years since she’s stayed away more than two or three nights. Appears she won’t be coming home. I was advised that I could call their house.
As usual, since that day, no one answers the phone. Nor does the contact answer her cellular phone or texts.
Not only is there no contact with someone I used to speak with at least daily, and more recently two to three times a week due to increasing dementia and failure to hear the phone; there is no word.
Silence. Waiting. If I don’t continually take my thoughts captive and remind myself “to be anxious for nothing” I would be medicated and staring at a wall in a ward right now. This over a ninety-nine year old woman with whom I have a bond of love and friendship better than blood. I can’t even being to fathom how a military wife whose husband is missing in action feels, or a parent whose child disappears feels.
Yet my pain is real as well. I do not have a husband or child to distract my attention which is may be partly why I miss my friend so much. I adore my canine companion Luna, who is contentedly snuggled alongside me destroying her rawhide bone. But as much joy and company as she provides, it’s not human fellowship. And, it’s not fifteen years of shared experiences, laughs, prayers, hugs, homemade lemonades, cups of coffee, and tears.
On top of that, many other long time friends have work situations, family drama, and just plain life and scheduling stuff that keeps us from getting together much if at all lately.
A couple of nights ago I started getting all bummed out and teary and remembered the Ronery song so eloquently warbled by the marionette version of Kim Jong Il in Team America World Police. I replayed it in my head and it made me smile as always. Not because it bears any resemblance to my situation outside the chorus, but because it’s funny and makes me laugh at my “poor me” attitude. And the instrumentation would make an awesome lullaby.
If you haven’t heard it and could use a laugh here’s the link, sorry about the bad word up front. If you can get past it the rest is golden:
The thought occurred to me again, as it has more than once in the recent past that perhaps God has orchestrated or is using these circumstances to get me to spend more time with Him. Within an hour of thinking this for the ump-teenth time I came across something a friend had posted: “Sometimes loneliness is God’s cry for friendship time with you.” Maybe not theologically profound, but seems to be a nugget of truth in there.
Why am I so uncomfortable and afraid to spend substantial time alone with God?
Not sure I am ready or awake enough to ponder that at length and with anything remotely approaching eloquence or logic tonight. Suspect it has something to do with what Rick Warren recently said toward the opening of the “What on Earth am I Here For?” series of services. Perhaps because down deep I really don’t get how much God loves me? I know the Sunday school answer about how great the love of God is. I believe I am starting to understand more of His love and mercy. Of all the funny things, perhaps in part because of lessons learned from owning a pup for the first time.
How great is the love of God? It is the story of the scarlet thread woven through the Word and history as well. I hope and pray that very soon I will not only crave regular meaningful human encounters; but even more so would be overwhelmed with the desire to encounter the LORD and the power of His Holy Spirit and the peace that it brings. Maybe then I won’t be so ronery and God will be more satisfied with my company.