Had the strangest dream in the wee hours of the morning. Made all the more unique as if I do normally dream I rarely, if ever, remember it. Been that way the majority of the last twenty years.
In my dream, I was pregnant. Not so odd -unless you know me and my life style to date. You see, the Messiah has already been born, so a circumstance such as that in my life as it stands would be just a dream.
Strange thing was, I was being checked into a maternity ward and being introduced to nurses and staff in my very simple but large bare bones room and I didn’t look or feel pregnant. But, everyone kept telling me the baby was coming soon.
I explained I didn’t feel like I was pregnant and that I hadn’t had any water break, but that seemed to be of little concern to anyone. So, I decided to make the best of it and hang out and visit with the female who seemed to be in charge and her male assistant.
How odd. Really. Perhaps it was because I had been speaking with a friend who called wanting to know if I was okay. Thought I seemed a bit melancholy. Our conversation then took a turn, as it sometimes does between good female friends about hormonal stuff.
My hormones have been wacked lately. Something that should happen about every four weeks has been hitting about every two to three for the last couple month and it’s tiring. And a little anxiety inducing. If this is a signal of the beginning of the end, I probably won’t be having bio children. Even if the thought gives me pause as I am no longer thirty-ish, the reality that Mother Nature may be slamming an unused door in my face is sobering.
More sobering, it’s not just Mother Nature. God is the One in control. Am I to be denied this part of life? And, there is not so much as a viable date on the horizon for Miss. Honeybadger. So, she asks the Lord to give her the grace to press into Him and not be bitter and be open to the possibility that He has something else out there for her.
Possibilities I wanna be truly excited about. But, there is that ticking clock, and that extremely powerful biological urge to mother. To have, nurse, and rear a child. Gone are the dreams of five little boys. Fading is the dream of a child, or perhaps the twins so common in my bloodlines.
To accept and embrace all the blessings I have and will have and not focus on the one thing I don’t have (okay two- a spouse and children.) It manages to stay buried most of the time. Don’t really struggle much with baby showers any more. But, the one time I still have a hard time it at the yearly appointment.
I so have to psych myself up for the physical reality of the annual OBGYN appointment, that I loathe making them. I intentionally make them later so it’s more like once every 14 months.
Should have made the appointment and gone already this year. Don’t even think I will this year. Due to a risk free life style, there really isn’t a pressing need. Not up for a lecture as to why I didn’t get mammograms the last two years. But, worst of all, however small of me: sitting in the waiting room with a bunch of cute little prego legos about to pop, resting the rocks on their left ring fingers on those bulging bellies.
Small of me yes. Christ-like of me, no. But I am a human chick. Albeit one who needs to get over herself. It’s just a too in the face reminder for where I am at right now that I am all alone where adult human companionship is concerned.
So, I will wait. And wait. And wait and wait -as I have waited before. Hopefully, there will be less of me and more of Christ in the waiting. And, I am not totally alone. Now Luna is here to wait with me, be excited when I get home, cuddle with me and grunt for belly tickles. Oh, and hint it’s time for a walk and bunny chase.
So, off I go. To walk the faithful canine child. Albeit a spoiled one. But an amusing and gentle one all the same. Now she’s waiting for me. Tick tock. Tick tock. We all wait for something but time waits for none.